I have struggled with setting and maintaining boundaries for years. Maybe it was easier to stew about what others were doing to me than to steward my life like a responsible adult. But, entering my fifth decade of life reminded me that time is far too precious to waste being the victim of our circumstances or the (sometimes) well-meaning folks in our professional and personal lives. Living fully requires us to minimize the unhealthy drama in our lives. In honor of that quest, this month’s Straight Talk explores Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle, provides IDEA for changing, shares deep dive resources, and offers a lucky reader a chance to enjoy a FREE Coaching Session from yours truly. But first, let’s start with a story.
Playing All the Roles
Ted (not his real name) and I were supposed to be the perfect management team. We were both promising young managers leading a team of mostly seasoned bankers; I as the Assistant Manager and Ted as the Manager. Based on what I was told about him, I was super excited to work with Ted and I didn’t hide my enthusiasm when I sold him to our team. But things quickly went downhill.
Rescuer
Ted’s high confidence couldn’t make up for his lack of emotional intelligence or knowledge. I, the Rescuer, began to help. I wanted to help him succeed although he hadn’t asked for my assistance. Soon, my rescue efforts extended to the Team. I would listen to long after-work parking lot conversations about Ted and all he was doing wrong. Of course, I wanted to help make things better for our Associates too.
Persecutor
Then, I shifted roles and became the Persecutor. I was critical of Ted. Yes there were things to criticize about his work or failure to follow through, but other things could have been chalked up to style. I blamed him for decreasing the morale of our incredible team. I blamed him for not leading as I would. I blamed him for not asking for help when he didn’t know something.
Victim
Drowning in my work and assuming responsibility for correcting Ted’s mistakes so that customers weren’t adversely affected (yep, had to rescue customers too), I began to feel hopeless and exhausted. I played the role of the victim well. Feeling stuck, I contacted a confidant to rescue me. She listened and did something I could (and should) have done myself — she told our Regional Manager the decision to hire Ted may not have been the right one.
The Escape
When our Regional Manager reached out to speak with me about the happenings at the Branch, I was hesitant to spill the tea. It felt like I was betraying Ted. To her credit, she was wise enough to ask the right questions, talk to other Team members who had less reservations about sharing their assessment of him, and make the necessary changes.
Stop the Drama
We can all identify with the roles in the Drama Triangle. We have our favorite role (Rescuer here) and sometimes play them all (like I did with Ted and our team). Regardless, we don’t have to stay in this triangle, which is also known as the Trauma Triangle. We can get out and live a healthier and more productive life. Here’s an IDEA for that.
- Identify your preferred role(s). No judgment here.
- Determine what’s right about the role (i.e., what problem it solves). Victim wants to be taken care of. Persecutor wants to be right. Rescuer wants to fix things or people.
- Examine the cost of being in the Drama Triangle. Is your anger (Persecutor), fear (Rescuer), or sadness (Victim) worth it? How’s the distraction of living this way impacting you? What healthier alternatives could you embrace?
- Assume a new role in the Empowerment Triangle. Victim can be a creator. Persecutor can be a challenger. Rescuer can be a coach.
Staying in the Drama Triangle long can turn us into chronic victims attempting to perfect ever changing roles in never ceasing sagas. The escalation from playing victim to being victim steadily inflicts our body and mind with dis-easing diseases while destroying our lives with restless relational woes. By donning victim roles, like some badge of honor, we dishonor the best of ourselves. While change is hard, it’s not impossible with help. You don’t have to make these changes alone. Schedule a free Meet and Greet at Radical Bench and let’s explore how to better honor the best of you.
Until next time, live fully and thoughtfully.
Deeper Dive Resources
- Drama Triangle Test by IDR Labs (don’t need to give your email address)
- The Three Faces Of Victim – An Overview Of The Victim Triangle by Lynne Forrest
- Drama Triangle – Understanding Its Concept, Origins, and Pattern by Making Business Matter
- Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results by Shane Parrish